Broken again

Yesterday I gave up on everything. I'm tired of hoping already. Everyday things just gets fishier and it's just too heavy for me to carry on. Painful and hurtful as it was, I had to do it. It's for the best. I don't want him to be with me for all the wrong reason. I don't want to be the rebound girl even if I'm his 1st love or whatsoever. I don't want the both of us to regret about the whole relationship in the future.

If he wants the relationship as badly as I am, if he sees the both of us together in the future as a family, if he wants to grow old with me as much as I want to grow old with him,  then he has to prove it to me. Words can just be words. Promises are just words. But if words comes out from the heart and he meant every single word of it, it would differentiate between lust and love.

Right now, he has all the answers. He can lie to me a million times about her but he can't lie to himself. If it's me he chose, then I'm thankful. If it isn't then I'll be fine. I owe myself that. At least I gave it a shot. I just had to do this. I would rather get hurt now than get hurt later on. I would rather cry my eyes out now than later. I'm  going to find a way to make it without him. I'll make baby steps. I know I have a lot of people would love me and would want to see me stand up again. All I have to do is to gather all my strength and courage. Crying will not help. I've learnt this over and over again in the past.

At this moment, I'm trying to heal the pain. I had enough crying last night. Even Acu cried with me when she heard it. She always thought that I finally found my happiness. Unfortunately, my happiness is long beyond everything I could ever imagine. It could never happen even. The chances? I dare not say. She needs him more than I do. I'll be fine being alone. I can take care of myself like always.