Confession of a girl

People said the best thing to get over with your past is to let it out. So here I am giving it a try. Not sure if this will work or not but I'll give it a shot and see if it works.

My first love, W was a water polo player. Met him at a library...(yes yes. I should be studying not looking at guys.) He has the look and the bod and he has that smile that could melt anyone down. So there I was melt by the charm. Never know why on earth I did I get myself involved with an athlete. I was his cheerleader whenever he has a match. But we were not long. I can't remember how long. Why? Something happened. He was snatched away from me by my own classmate. The girls saw them once in Saberkas and told me about it. But I didn't believe them until I saw them with my own eyes. That moment I felt like the whole Saberkas was going to fall on me. From that day,  I made up my mind. It's either her or me I said. I remembered the maid keep telling me he was on the line or in front of my house but I couldn't be bothered to see him. I asked her to chase him away. And then, instead of waiting for his reply, I made the decision myself. I backed out. After that day, I don't know where he is. The last time I heard, he was in Baltimore. Migrated there.

My 2nd love, J was the school's athlete. I think he was a mistake. I never like him at all. Went along with him because I pity him. He was sweet and all but he made the whole entire school know about it. And knowing what Gerald Lee will do to the students who actually had relationship during school just send shivers down the spine. He was hard to leave. I gave him every single reason to leave but he just wouldn't budge. Until I had to be really harsh towards him then only he would leave me alone. Even during my exam days, he asked my friend if he could meet me but I couldn't be bothered. This is the shortest relationship ever. 1 solid week.

My 3rd love, B was from the same school. Funny how I ended up with boys in the same school. B was fun to be with. Funny and has a good sense of humour. But unfortunately, it didn't go far. One day he came up to me and said that he is a gay. I was shocked until I was totally completely speechless. The girls kept asking me what did I do wrong until he ended up becoming a gay. So, that was it. We went our own ways and never kept contact after that. Too hurt I guess.

My 4th love, H was a total bastard, a money digger. Everyone told me that he is a no good dude but I just wouldn't listen. He's a cool guy but unfortunately I was too blind to see everything until 1 fateful day. Saw him with another girl and at that point, I dumped him on the spot. I can't explain how hurt I was at that time. Even kor kor couldn't calm me down.

After H, I started to be afraid to fall in love again. I began to build this defense around me. I was cold and bitter and mean. Meaner than what I did to G when we were in school. I guess that was when I start to change. From the bubbly girl everyone knew to someone who holds back a lot of things. To someone who is vulnerable and fragile. I was like that for 2 years until A came.

A was an old friend from college. When he asked me that question, I became scared. I was afraid that I might get hurt again. I even came up with the silliest excuse ever. Then, as the days go by, I realised that I had fallen in love with him. I loved for 4 years. I've sacrificed a lot for him throughout the 4 years. When he got sick, I rushed over to see him if he's ok or not. When he went his hernia surgery, I sent him to the airport at 4am. When he lost his car, I borrowed my car for him to use and I used the train to go to work. When he doesn't have any money, I borrowed mine. Everytime when he didn't answer my call or reply my text message, I would tell myself maybe he's busy. I would tell myself that all the time until I got tired. Then, when I saw pictures of him with another girl, my heart dropped. So, I asked him who is she, he only said that she is just a friend. Friend won't kiss a friend and be super friendly. But I forgave him. Along the way, I found some other girls email to him telling him "I love you(s)" and him telling them "I love you(s)". My mistake was that I gave him another chance. Babah knew something was awfully wrong with the picture but he didn't tell me because he knew I won't listen. He was the reason I came here. He was the reason why I bought my house all the way in Serdang and I called it "Our house". Everything in my thought at that moment was about us. Everytime I went shopping, I would think about him. I would asked him if he wanted anything. And 1 fateful day, I saw a text message on my phone (we swapped phones often). At 8am, he sent a message saying "I love you, sayang" to a 013 number which obviously was not my number. That was the day my heart felt something is wrong somewhere. Then, one day Aida told me that he told her he met this girl and they planned to get married. The best part, when Aida asked him what about me. He told her that I'm just a friend to him. Friend don't sleep with friend. Friend don't screw friend. I may be stupidly in love but I still know what do friends do.  Everyday I asked myself what have I done wrong in my past that I deserved all this. I cried myself to sleep every single night and day thinking about it. It took me months for me to pick myself up and able to stand up again. Then I started to build a strong defense around me again. Enough is enough for me. I don't deserve any of this.

Until last November when G and I found each other again. I was scared to death when he asked me. I didn't want myself to get hurt again. This time if I get myself hurt again, I don't know if I could ever pick myself up and stand up again. Then I started praying so that I could be strong. I guess it was by God's good grace that He wants me to open up my heart to G. I always know He has his way and plan for us. But G? Someone who I totally ignored for 14 years? Someone who once asked me if I would like to go out for Valentines with him. The funniest part of all, he still feel the same way about me just like 14 years ago. I laughed hard at that thought and I decided to take him. If we were meant for each other, then it's fine. If it's not, at least I gave it a shot. Even mummy was surprised when I told her. She never thought that Ucu has a  brother same age as me.   But as the day goes by, I slowly try to love him and I did. Never thought I'll feel this way but I did. Now, I love  him so much until I got scared again. Scared that I might get hurt again or scared that I might lose him. Although, I know he loves me more than he ever did, I still feel scared. The 'what if(s)' questions came back. I would like to give me heart and my trust completely to him, I'm still scared. I'm still holding back my past. I don't want to  go down the same I went down previously. The thought of it still haunts me to this very day even after G proposed to me. I thought I was ready to start a life with him, but I was wrong. Emotionally I was not ready.

"I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to hurt you this way. I'm sorry to make you wait again. But if I want this to work, I've got to get over my fear and give you my trust. I hope you understand this. I love you so much and I'm scared to lose you."