Confession of a girl

People said the best thing to get over with your past is to let it out. So here I am giving it a try. Not sure if this will work or not but I'll give it a shot and see if it works.

My first love, W was a water polo player. Met him at a library...(yes yes. I should be studying not looking at guys.) He has the look and the bod and he has that smile that could melt anyone down. So there I was melt by the charm. Never know why on earth I did I get myself involved with an athlete. I was his cheerleader whenever he has a match. But we were not long. I can't remember how long. Why? Something happened. He was snatched away from me by my own classmate. The girls saw them once in Saberkas and told me about it. But I didn't believe them until I saw them with my own eyes. That moment I felt like the whole Saberkas was going to fall on me. From that day,  I made up my mind. It's either her or me I said. I remembered the maid keep telling me he was on the line or in front of my house but I couldn't be bothered to see him. I asked her to chase him away. And then, instead of waiting for his reply, I made the decision myself. I backed out. After that day, I don't know where he is. The last time I heard, he was in Baltimore. Migrated there.

My 2nd love, J was the school's athlete. I think he was a mistake. I never like him at all. Went along with him because I pity him. He was sweet and all but he made the whole entire school know about it. And knowing what Gerald Lee will do to the students who actually had relationship during school just send shivers down the spine. He was hard to leave. I gave him every single reason to leave but he just wouldn't budge. Until I had to be really harsh towards him then only he would leave me alone. Even during my exam days, he asked my friend if he could meet me but I couldn't be bothered. This is the shortest relationship ever. 1 solid week.

My 3rd love, B was from the same school. Funny how I ended up with boys in the same school. B was fun to be with. Funny and has a good sense of humour. But unfortunately, it didn't go far. One day he came up to me and said that he is a gay. I was shocked until I was totally completely speechless. The girls kept asking me what did I do wrong until he ended up becoming a gay. So, that was it. We went our own ways and never kept contact after that. Too hurt I guess.

My 4th love, H was a total bastard, a money digger. Everyone told me that he is a no good dude but I just wouldn't listen. He's a cool guy but unfortunately I was too blind to see everything until 1 fateful day. Saw him with another girl and at that point, I dumped him on the spot. I can't explain how hurt I was at that time. Even kor kor couldn't calm me down.

After H, I started to be afraid to fall in love again. I began to build this defense around me. I was cold and bitter and mean. Meaner than what I did to G when we were in school. I guess that was when I start to change. From the bubbly girl everyone knew to someone who holds back a lot of things. To someone who is vulnerable and fragile. I was like that for 2 years until A came.

A was an old friend from college. When he asked me that question, I became scared. I was afraid that I might get hurt again. I even came up with the silliest excuse ever. Then, as the days go by, I realised that I had fallen in love with him. I loved for 4 years. I've sacrificed a lot for him throughout the 4 years. When he got sick, I rushed over to see him if he's ok or not. When he went his hernia surgery, I sent him to the airport at 4am. When he lost his car, I borrowed my car for him to use and I used the train to go to work. When he doesn't have any money, I borrowed mine. Everytime when he didn't answer my call or reply my text message, I would tell myself maybe he's busy. I would tell myself that all the time until I got tired. Then, when I saw pictures of him with another girl, my heart dropped. So, I asked him who is she, he only said that she is just a friend. Friend won't kiss a friend and be super friendly. But I forgave him. Along the way, I found some other girls email to him telling him "I love you(s)" and him telling them "I love you(s)". My mistake was that I gave him another chance. Babah knew something was awfully wrong with the picture but he didn't tell me because he knew I won't listen. He was the reason I came here. He was the reason why I bought my house all the way in Serdang and I called it "Our house". Everything in my thought at that moment was about us. Everytime I went shopping, I would think about him. I would asked him if he wanted anything. And 1 fateful day, I saw a text message on my phone (we swapped phones often). At 8am, he sent a message saying "I love you, sayang" to a 013 number which obviously was not my number. That was the day my heart felt something is wrong somewhere. Then, one day Aida told me that he told her he met this girl and they planned to get married. The best part, when Aida asked him what about me. He told her that I'm just a friend to him. Friend don't sleep with friend. Friend don't screw friend. I may be stupidly in love but I still know what do friends do.  Everyday I asked myself what have I done wrong in my past that I deserved all this. I cried myself to sleep every single night and day thinking about it. It took me months for me to pick myself up and able to stand up again. Then I started to build a strong defense around me again. Enough is enough for me. I don't deserve any of this.

Until last November when G and I found each other again. I was scared to death when he asked me. I didn't want myself to get hurt again. This time if I get myself hurt again, I don't know if I could ever pick myself up and stand up again. Then I started praying so that I could be strong. I guess it was by God's good grace that He wants me to open up my heart to G. I always know He has his way and plan for us. But G? Someone who I totally ignored for 14 years? Someone who once asked me if I would like to go out for Valentines with him. The funniest part of all, he still feel the same way about me just like 14 years ago. I laughed hard at that thought and I decided to take him. If we were meant for each other, then it's fine. If it's not, at least I gave it a shot. Even mummy was surprised when I told her. She never thought that Ucu has a  brother same age as me.   But as the day goes by, I slowly try to love him and I did. Never thought I'll feel this way but I did. Now, I love  him so much until I got scared again. Scared that I might get hurt again or scared that I might lose him. Although, I know he loves me more than he ever did, I still feel scared. The 'what if(s)' questions came back. I would like to give me heart and my trust completely to him, I'm still scared. I'm still holding back my past. I don't want to  go down the same I went down previously. The thought of it still haunts me to this very day even after G proposed to me. I thought I was ready to start a life with him, but I was wrong. Emotionally I was not ready.

"I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to hurt you this way. I'm sorry to make you wait again. But if I want this to work, I've got to get over my fear and give you my trust. I hope you understand this. I love you so much and I'm scared to lose you."

Amazing 2nd month

Yesterday was the 2nd month for my relationship with G and I survived. Although, there were hiccups along the way, I still managed to pull it through. I'm looking at the brighter side of things. There are so many people who are in a long distance relationship but they manage to pull it through. Pricey but someone has to sacrifice. If ticket is forever RM208 return, I would definitely fly back whenever I can.

The wedding is being postponed or probably hold back until I'm fully ready. I thought I was emotionally ready but apparently I was not. I'm still holding back my trust issue. Sometimes I asked myself what did I do wrong that people keep hurting me until I'm afraid to trust anyone anymore. But I was lucky I suppose. G understood what I'm going through and he didn't push me at all. I felt  bad because he has to wait for me again. But if he's really meant for me, I would wait regardless what. If he's not then I'll be fine. At least I gave it a shot.

I'm so blessed

This morning I woke up feeling wonderful. Looking at the clear blue sky makes me feel bright and sunny. Not because I had the most wonderful dream of my life...my wedding. It's really scary, you know. Especially if single tiny detail are left out. But hell...the wedding is not tomorrow or anytime soon. So, planning and preparations are very very important to avoid everyone going nuts on the day itself.

So...I've confirmed my maid of  honor, my makeup artist, my hairstylist and my organist. And I just have to say this. I am so blessed I have friends are simply ecstatic about the whole event. Anit will be my organist...she better be and don't pretend she hurt her finger or watsoever like what she used to do last time. I'll kill her and feed her to the crocs. And so Sharon Stone and Genie of the lamp will be my maid of honor. So...who said I cannot get the biggest name in Hollywood and Walt Disney to be my maid of honor. I'm the best. What can I say. So anyway, to continue. I told Boy this morning about the news and he has agreed to be my makeup artist and my hairstylist and my 'runway diva extraordinare'. I dare to say, the photoshoot will be a top one and the walking down the aisle will be a blown away thing. Ever seen a bride glide down the aisle before? Stay tune to find out...I'm  going to blow everyone off their seat...including poor Father Aries and my poor G.

Oh...this is going to be a very private and personal event. I must make sure it stays that way. No circus. No people who pretend  they are your friend. Families whom you only see once in a blue moon and then never see them again. This is strictly family and very close friend event.

Above all, I wish the girls are with me to help pick out my dress. It'll be super noisy. I can imagine that. Too  noisy until we get kicked out of the shop. Hahahha. What can I say. The 5 of us are always very noisy since school. Noisy or not, it's the best thing a person can get in her lifetime. Her bestest friends with her thick and thin.

So, people....strike a pose...find the light (oh..I can so hear Boy's voice in my ear now)...hahhahaha

xoxo

Happy New Year 2010

Happy New Year 2010...

It was only a few days after I celebrate New Year (so-called celebrate even if me and Manet stayed at home watching tv) when out of nowhere G asked me THE question. And there goes my romantic proposal which is sooooo not romantic at all. It's weird all of a sudden. I've seen friends and families got married and I never once thought I would joining the bandwagon. I've always wonder how does one know that it is the right time and it is the right person. I know mummy and daddy know G and is okay with him being with me but seriously deep down I'm still scared. Things that happened to me all this while played by itself all over again like a broken record. The what ifs came back like it never left. All of that seems like a mystery itself. What did I tell him? I told him as long as we do it the right way, I'm fine. Generic answer which doesn't seem to convince him enough. I keep asking myself questions and I keep praying that 1 day I'll find the answer. I always believe that God has His way around us and I gave my life up to Him to decide what is best and who is best. I just hope that my decision is not a wrong one and my sacrifice is not a wrong one either.

Planning has to start now if we want it to be this year. Trust me, it's not easy to cramp a year's preparation into something that is like 3 4 months. It has to start with a theme...which I really have no idea at all. But... I was lucky that Acu is willing to be my wedding planner. So that saves me a hell loads of time. All I need to do is do the checklist and make sure everything runs smoothly without any hiccups. Even if it's not going to be the dream wedding I always dream of (ceremony in St. Paul's London, a ride in a Bentley or Rolls Royce), at least I want it to have a personal touch to it. Down to the very small detail. Simple and sweet and it has to be a story I will tell my children one day. So, who say a 1 year planning cannot be cramp into a 3 4 months work? You are dealing with a Project Manager here, darling. Anything can happen. If it's according to schedule.

The gown. I have exactly what I want in my mind for the gown. It won't  be the normal typical boring type of wedding gown. It'll be simple, sweet, elegant and chic altogether. Not much details on it. It'll be something like a cross between Merlin and Lord of the Rings. I just want to blow everyone present in church away by it...especially G. I don't care much about the hand bouquet because the dress speaks for itself. Maybe a stalk of lily will add to the accessory. Anyhow, we'll see about the updates. I know Acu is like super excited already about her new task. That is the least I can do for her to get her mind of some guy who broke her heart.

Goodbye 2009 ... Welcome 2010

Another gone by. It's the end of another year. The end of another chapter. Some people may would want to look back at ponder what have they achieve or maybe did they manage to fulfill their New Year resolution. A lot of things happen to me this year. Not so good ones mostly. I don't know if I should ever look back and think about it again.

Not only people are celebrating the year end, I  guess I'll be celebrating my monthsary (if there is such a word). I made it through for the past 1 month being apart from G. The feeling of torn apart is still there. The tears is still there. I don't know how long I can be stronger than strong. Everytime when things happen in my life, I have to pick myself up and be strong. Now, when I thought I don't have to be strong, I found telling myself just to be strong. And at that point of time, I found out why most people said that long distance relationship never works. There's too many challenges. Too many temptations around us. But at the end of the day, it is up to you whether or not you're strong enough to battle it away.

I don't know what to expect from 2010. I seriously don't know. The only thing that I do know, I hope that my decision to go back for good just to be with him is not the biggest mistake I've made. I know that I cannot have everything and that I have to sacrifice something in order to get another thing. I'm willing to sacrifice my dream in order to be with him and the only thing I wish right now is that I am not making a huge mistake for it.

Christmas Theme

It's Christmas time again. Feels that time flew really fast. Seems like only yesterday we celebrated New Year and here we are again...celebrating Christmas. Mid Valley's Christmas theme this year is all about castle.

 

 

 

 

 

My Christmas this year will be totally different. It's my 1st Christmas together with G and I hope it won't be the last. 

A new beginning

After a year of heartbreaking moments and endless teary nights, I finally found someone who love me for real. Surprising as it is, I guess I ought to be thankful. It's true what people said. You never know that the right person is right next to you until you fall flat on your face.

I can't believe G actually waited for me for 14 years. Who would wait for someone that long? That's a decade and a half. I guess I was touched by this and besides, I wanted to take my chances. Like what Acu said, if he's really the one for me, that's great. If he isn't, then at least I gave it a shot.

Daddy and mummy knew about this and as expected, it didn't went well. Daddy wanted me to find someone who has the same education level. That of course dampen my spirit but G was optimistic. Besides, so what if that person has a higher education level but I'm not happy? At the end of the day, it is whether I'm genuinely happy or force myself to be happy for the sake of my parents.

Long distance relationship really tested the both of us. I was never a fan of long distance relationship. There are too much pain than sweetness in it. But for the sake of G and my new beginning with him, I have to be stronger than strong. If I can go through hell, I think I can go through this. As much as I love him every single day, I had to be strong.