What's in my heart

Last Monday was what supposed to be our 5th month anniversary but everything is just gone now. My heart is still not healed. I doubt it can ever be heal. Even if it takes my whole life. I still find myself crying whenever I'm alone. I still find myself crying to sleep. How can I ever be happy again? How can I find back my old self? Will I ever find that back? Will I ever see the sun shine again?

I don't know what else to do anymore. This time I don't know if I can ever stand up and walk again. I can put a brave face in front of everybody. I can pretend I am alright. But the truth is, I'm not. I'm hurting inside. Why is life so unfair? Why can't I get the happiness I deserve? What did I do wrong in my entire life that I don't deserve to have some happiness?

I often wish she would just leave me alone last time. That she would just accept his rejection and leave the both of us alone. That she should just focus on her own family and leave him alone. That she won't be such a bitch. But like what Babah said, she is what she's made off.

Everything that happen right now, everything I'm going through is like deja vu. It's like history is repeating itself all over again. I'm wearing our ring around my neck as a symbol to give me strength, to give me hope, to help me be strong but I can't. I tried. God knows how much I tried. I prayed and prayed until I cried in my prayers that things will go back to the way it used to be. Acu said God will help those who help themselves. Please God, give him back to me. Soften his heart and guide him back home. That is all I ask from You. I have got nothing else already. Please hear my prayers, O Lord.