My life's a curse

Have anyone ever tell you that sometimes it's too late to regret everything has ever happen to you? Maybe it is true. By the time you realise the truth, it is already far too late to turn things around. That's what happened to me. I think my life is a curse. I can't settle down with anyone without getting hurt or heartbroken.

Questions about what happened still plays in my head over and over again. Why is she doing this to me? What have I done to her that she keep doing this to me? Does she feel peace everytime she insults me? Does she find satisfaction when she's trying to break someone's relationship? Just because he left her when he found out she's married, she thought that no one else should get him as well because she couldn't? Now, it is officially over between the both of us, she must be feeling on top of the world.

Although questions still plays in my head, I came to realise the truth. But it's too late for me to turn back. It's really too late for me to say "I'm sorry." He was telling me the truth all along and I failed to see it because I was so afraid. I was blinded by my fear. The fear from the previous relationship with Ady still sticks in my head. Those words which he told Aida sticks in my head till now and I was afraid that I might have to walk through the paths I walked before.

I guess it's too late for me to redeem myself to him again. The day when he said it's over was the day I felt I rather die than live without a purpose. Every night I asked myself why is life so unfair? What have I done wrong in my life that I had to go through all of this? Why do God lead me straight into his arms and let him fill my life with so much love just to find out He's taking him away from me?

I don't know how to go on through my days from today. I don't know how to tell my family that it's completely over between the both of us. Daddy will be furious for sure. He never wanted me to come back. If I hadn't beg him to let me come back, I don't think I'll ever be back here. All the time, I've been locking myself in the room and cried until I have no more tears left to cry. Then, suddenly I stop praying. I don't know what is the purpose for me to pray anymore. Looking at the ring and my anklet he gave back makes it even sadder. Everytime I looked at it, I had to tell myself it's really over. It's really over. There's nothing left for me. There's no more space for me in his heart. He has let me go and I am back to the place where I was before we found each other back last year.

I got lost too far away. I went astray for so long. I need to find the way back myself and I hope I can find back the missing girl he fell in love with 15 years ago. The one everybody knew. That girl has gone missing for a very long time. I hope when I found her back, I will have peace in my life.